Boundaries: Where I End And You Begin
Too Rigid or Too Loose
Dr. Anslow discusses his experience with helping clients build better boundaries
Opinion blog post by Dr. Jonathan Anslow
I’d venture to say that most people have heard the term “Boundaries,” particularly as it pertains to one’s mental health and relationships. It certainly comes up fairly frequently in my work as a therapist. There are fundamentally two different ways that boundaries can become problematic for someone. Essentially it boils down to whether one’s boundaries are too loose or too rigid.
When one has looseness of boundaries, we are perhaps dealing with someone who grew up in a fairly chaotic kind of situation with fuzzy boundaries where everyone appears to be entangled or enmeshed together. Their home life may have been marked by parents who inappropriately overshared with their children, treating them like confidants. They might’ve gone to the bathroom with the door open, or changed in front of their children, despite some notable discomfort. Perhaps they burst into their child’s room unannounced at random intervals without knocking and/or asking for permission to enter. At other times they may exhibit severe emotional responses and blame the children for these outbursts. These parents may have stolen from their children or acted in bizarre or concerning ways while under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
The aforementioned boundary-pushing parents may not have cultivated and encouraged their children to have any sense of autonomy because they are too untethered and dysregulated themselves. They may be too distractible, too caught up in the chaos of their own lives that they inevitably pull their children into it with them. In other words, loose boundaries often beget loose boundaries, and when these kinds of boundary-defying behaviors are modeled, that can become the template for one’s interactions moving forward. This is not to say this is the only way one can develop challenges with loose boundaries, it is just one path that can lead to this issue.
Sometimes such generational transmission of patterns occurs - but not always. I am often reminded that people can be exposed to different relational templates, whether by observing family behavior at friend’s houses or through different types of media. Knowing that there are healthier ways to relate, children of these families in disarray can then commit to make choices that comport with that newer, more improved model instead, which is hopeful!
Let’s look at the other side of that boundary coin - super rigid or hyper-controlled boundaries. In this scenario, we are perhaps dealing with someone who was reared in an environment that was super strict. In this household, RULES are the order of the day - and there are MANY. Rules are not to be questioned or challenged, but rather adhered to with the utmost respect and compliance. There is a very clear demarcation between who’s in charge and who must listen and follow orders - a hierarchy of power that is non-negotiable.
Out of their own fears, these authoritarian type of parents may chronically take charge of their children’s lives because they believe that they always know best. Or perhaps on some level they fear that their children will become too independent and make terrible choices - perhaps ultimately leave them forever. In other words, they can get consumed by what they want or fear and do not trust that their children can ultimately learn to make determinations about their own needs as they start to figure out what those are. In response these parents may defensively act in a hyper-controlling manner that completely disregards a child’s desire to test limits and figure it out on their own.
It is arguable that SOME degree of helicoptering, or scaffolding parenting, rather, is warranted when children are quite young and rudderless, without a basic system of morality or values. At the start it’s mostly all hands on deck. But over time, as they grow older, it certainly behooves us to think about how we as parents can relinquish some control and oversight and allow our children to systematically come into their own. We want them to develop a sense of their independent self, supporting them along the way as needed. In certain Western cultures a child’s individuation is a natural part of growing up. As a parent, it is never easy to cede to your child’s independent nature, but it is absolutely critical to do so in the service of their self-development.
The Impact on Adult Relationships
Whether one’s boundaries were too loose or too rigid, the effects often extend into adulthood, shaping how individuals relate to others in their personal and professional lives. Those who grew up with loose boundaries may struggle to assert themselves, often saying "yes" when they mean "no" and feeling overly responsible for others’ emotions and actions. They might find it difficult to recognize their own needs and prioritize self-care, leading to burnout and resentment. They might seek out a partner who’s controlling to fill the gap of structure and stability that they never truly experienced but which ironically reinforces their sense of powerlessness and keeps them feeling stuck, under someone else’s thumb.
Conversely, individuals who were raised with overly rigid boundaries may have difficulty trusting others and forming close relationships. They might be so self-reliant that they find themselves in complete isolation from others. They don’t want to give up control because others will probably screw things up. They might cling to a sense of perfectionism and never feel quite satisfied with results - always pushing to do better and succeed. People with loose boundaries may arouse anxiety in these taught individuals which they then manage by hyper controlling whatever they can. They might avoid vulnerability and intimacy because it feels too unpredictable, messy, and, thus - risky. This can result in challenges when trying to form partnerships or collaborating with others, as they might be seen as unapproachable or overly controlling - i.e. just not a team player.
Finding Balance
The key to the establishment and maintenance of healthy boundaries lies in finding a balance between the two extremes. This often involves a process of self-reflection followed by intentionality that is directed towards demonstrable and incremental steps of change. For those with historically loose boundaries, learning to better assert oneself and to establish clear limits is crucial. This might involve practicing saying "no," recognizing and communicating personal needs, and seeking out supportive relationships that respect and reinforce those boundaries.
For individuals with rigid boundaries, the work often involves learning to open up and to trust others gradually. This can mean taking small steps towards vulnerability, such as sharing feelings with a trusted friend or allowing others to assist with tasks. It also involves recognizing that interdependence can be healthy and that relying on others doesn’t diminish one’s own capabilities or worth.
In therapy, I often remind clients that it’s a healthy risk to trust the right individuals, that is, people who are: 1) Kind 2) Respectful 3) Honest and 4) Trustworthy. I encourage clients to explore their boundary styles and to consider how these patterns developed. Understanding the origin of one’s boundaries can provide insight and pave the way for change. This is a journey of learning to delineate where one ends and another begins, thereby fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships in the process.
Ultimately, boundaries are a fundamental aspect of mental health and well-being. They define our sense of self and influence how we interact with the world around us. Whether they are too loose or too rigid, the important thing is that BOUNDARIES CAN BE ADJUSTED. With awareness, effort, and support, anyone can learn to set boundaries that reflect their needs and foster healthier connections with others. In doing so, we can create a life that is both respectful of our own limits and enriched by meaningful, respectful relationships.
For more information Dr. Anslow recommends the Boundary Bootcamp series by Terri Cole
