Recognizing How You Feel in a Healthy vs an Unhealthy Relationship
February is “Relationship Wellness Month”. For the month of February, HealthQuest is focusing on healthy relationships with a series of weekly blog articles. This article is the first in the series and will focus on the difference between a healthy vs an unhealthy relationship.
Humans are social creatures, we depend on others for connection, support, and comfort. In our lives we maintain several different types of relationships, whether it be friend relationships, romantic relationships, family relationships, teacher/student relationships and many others. These relationships are complex and unhealthy patterns can arise in any type of relationship. The most important way to know if you are in a healthy or an unhealthy relationship is to understand how you feel when you are in that relationship. Once you can recognize how the relationship makes you feel, you can decide if it is healthy or not.
How You Feel in a Healthy Relationship:
You feel at ease with the other person, you know that you can make mistakes and talk through your feelings together without worry.
You look forward to working together on something, you don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help. You know that you are not a burden to them, but that they enjoy supporting you in the same way that you enjoy supporting them.
You can maintain your independence and make your own decisions, you don’t feel guilty about asking for space. You allow room for the other person to grow in ways outside of the relationship as well.
The other person always assumes your best intentions. You don’t need to constantly defend or explain yourself. You don’t feel rushed to make decisions or respond to them, you can take things at your own pace knowing that they will be there when you are ready.
You trust the other person and don’t have to question their motives. You never feel like either of you need to prove your loyalty to each other.
Your dreams and desires are supported, the other person loves to see you succeed. You feel open to new experiences and challenges knowing that the other person will be there for you. You know that whatever challenge you face, you and the other person will get through it together.
Your love or affection for them feels natural, it doesn’t feel like an obligation.
When conflict arises, you both can meet the conflict with respect, sharing, and compromise. You do not experience hostility, avoidance, or shame from the other person.
You feel confident, secure, and connected in this relationship. The other person sees you for who you are and doesn’t try to change you. You feel safe, supported, and self-assured.
How You Feel in an Unhealthy Relationship:
You are settling for “lack of conflict” in the relationship instead of expecting cooperation, respect, kindness, growth, and reciprocity. You avoid conflict in order to maintain harmony, even at the expense of your needs. You are telling “white lies” so you don’t have to explain everything.
You aren’t joyful or spontaneous. You don’t feel carefree, you feel “on edge”.
You doubt your experiences in the relationship, always wondering if what you think is really true. You might wonder if anyone else will believe you. You don’t seem to remember things the same way as the other person.
You feel guilty, obligated, or fearful around interacting with this person.
You might find yourself saying “how was I supposed to know that?” because you are expected to read the mind of the other person and give them what they desire without them asking as a way of showing that you love them. Somehow you can never get it right no matter how hard you try. You wonder if you love or care for them enough.
You feel cared for and paid attention to, but at the same time things just don’t feel right. Maybe the other person wants to know where you are because they care about your safety but it feels intrusive. Maybe they are always making helpful suggestions about things that you could do differently but it feels overbearing. Maybe you’ve told them that you don’t like something but they keep insisting it’s for your own good. Maybe they are helping to make you aware of something but it feels like criticism.
You feel guilty or wrong for things you didn’t do. No matter what you do or don’t do, no matter what you say or don’t say, you are always wrong. Somehow you can’t seem to get it right. It seems like the other person always has a new problem with you despite your efforts to make them happy.
You are always in survival mode.
You are planning ahead what you are going to say and practicing in your head. You have physical symptoms like increased heart rate or breathing. You constantly have your guard up.
You may have nightmares, flashbacks, perseverating and intrusive thoughts or feel hypervigilant for threats or danger, sleep problems, substance use problems, chronic pain, gastrointestinal issues, muscle tension or headaches.
Once you start to recognize how you feel in a relationship, you will then be able to assess whether or not this relationship should continue the way that it is going. If you are questioning aspects of your relationship and don’t know what to do next, reaching out to people you trust is a good first step. However, because these relationships can be very complex, you may need a professional to help you make sense of this relationship and figure out how to disentangle yourself from this person. Here at HQ Psych we are ready to help you answer these questions and meet your goals. Everyone deserves healthy relationships, if you are feeling unsafe in your relationship and need help right away, the National Domestic Abuse hotline is available to you 24/7/365.
