Finding Your Voice: The Power of Assertiveness and Healthy Anger in Relationships

Being assertive can be difficult, this post will help you better understand how to respectfully advocate for your needs in relationships.

For many women, the concept of healthy anger is a foreign concept and assertiveness is something we’ve never been taught. Instead, we often learn to suppress our anger—either because it feels unsafe to express or because we’ve been conditioned to believe it’s unacceptable (Lerner, 1985; Chesney-Lind, 2006). Over time, this bottled-up anger can lead to emotional explosions, leaving us in a no-win situation. We’re left with unmet needs and a growing sense of inner turmoil.  

This isn’t just a women’s issue; it’s a challenge for anyone with marginalized identities. Society sends clear messages about whose feelings, especially anger, are acceptable. Women of color, for instance, are often pushed into the “Strong Black Woman” or “superwoman” role, where there’s no room to express vulnerability or frustration (Harris-Perry, 2011). Similarly, LGBTQ+ individuals are frequently told—explicitly or implicitly—to internalize their anger, leaving little space to acknowledge or process it (Fassinger & Arseneau, 2007).  

Meanwhile, men are told that anger is the only acceptable emotion to express—a harmful narrative for everyone involved (Kilmartin, 2017). The reality is that anger, like any emotion, can be a healthy and important signal. The key is learning how to channel and express it constructively.  

One powerful way to do this is through assertiveness training. By developing healthy communication skills, you can effectively express your feelings and advocate for your needs (Speed et al., 2018). A helpful tool for this is a DBT (dialectical behavior therapy; (Linehan, 2015) skill called DEARMAN, where you can Describe the situation, Express your emotions, Assert your needs, and provide Reinforcement, while staying Mindful, Appearing confident, and Negotiating. 

Using tools like DEARMAN can help you navigate conversations, meet your needs, and build stronger, healthier relationships. Bottling up emotions only leads to resentment and confusion- for both you and those around you. When you express your needs openly and assertively, you create opportunities for deeper connection and understanding.  

Your anger is valid. Healthy communication is a skill worth building—and you deserve to take up space, express your emotions, and have your needs met.

If you are interested in learning more assertiveness skills, I will be leading a group for individuals to connect with each other, learn new skills, and offer support to one another. I enjoy working with folks to better understand healthy assertiveness, and I can't wait to see you there.

If you’re interested in learning more skills, I enjoy working with folks to better understand healthy communication and assertiveness training. Click here to learn more about me and the work I do with clients!  I will also be leading a group for individuals to connect with each other, learn new skills such as setting boundaries, managing conflict, and self advocacy in personal and professional relationships, and offer support to one another. 

References

Chesney-Lind, M. (2006). Patriarchy, prisons, and jails: A critical look at trends in women's incarceration. The Prison Journal, 86(1), 89-115.

Fassinger, R. E., & Arseneau, J. R. (2007). "I’d rather get wet than be under that umbrella": Differentiating the experiences and identities of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 54(3), 419-435.

Harris-Perry, M. V. (2011). Sister citizen: Shame, stereotypes, and Black women in America. Yale University Press.

Kilmartin, C. (2017). The masculine self (5th ed.). Sloan Publishing.

Lerner, H. (1985). The dance of anger: A woman’s guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships.HarperCollins.

Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1), e12216.