Recognizing Gaslighting
We hear the term Gaslighting often these days but what does it actually mean?
Many of us have heard the term “gaslighting”, but what does it really mean? The term originated from a 1938 play called “Gas Light” where a person dims the gaslights when the partner is not there as a way to make her feel like she is imagining things and losing her mind.
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic that someone uses to gain control over another person by making them question their own thoughts, perceptions, beliefs, and experiences. It can occur in any type of relationship. In popular culture, the term gaslighting has been used to mean “lying” but it’s more than that. Gaslighting destabilizes the other person and is similar to brainwashing. It makes the person question their own experience, and then makes them feel like something is wrong with them. Gaslighting disrupts the person’s reality and makes them become dependent on the reality of the gaslighter by making the other person distrust themselves. It is done repetitively and often escalates in severity over time.
Let’s take a look at some examples of gaslighting:
A gaslighter may fabricate stories that never happened and appear confused when the other person doesn’t “remember” it that way. They may say “Remember when…, oh you don’t?” or “That would never happen, I don’t know what you are talking about, you are losing it” or “I never said that, you are imagining things, you need help” or “That’s all in your head”
A gaslighter may project their own bad behavior onto the other person. They may say “I never did that, you are the one who…” or “I can’t believe you would do that, something is wrong with you” or “I only did this because you made me do it”
A gaslighter will trivialize the other person’s feelings, they may say that the other person is “overreacting” or “too dramatic” when confronted with their own bad behavior.
A gaslighter may lie about the other person, spread rumors about them, or hide their belongings.
Someone who is being gaslit might feel confused, scared, and unsure of themselves. They may feel very connected or dependent on the other person and not know what to do next. If you recognize this behavior in someone else’s relationship, it can be helpful to gently remind them of reality, offer support, and stick with them during this confusing time while they learn to disengage from the gaslighter. If you recognize this behavior in your own relationship, it’s time to make changes so that the gaslighter has less access to you and no opportunity to continue the manipulation. Everyone deserves healthy relationships, and here at HQ Psych we are ready to speak with you to help you with this relationship dynamic. If you are feeling unsafe in your relationship and need help right away, the National Domestic Abuse hotline is available to you 24/7/365.
