How to Disentangle from an Unhealthy Relationship
Getting into an unhealthy place can happen easily, knowing how to get out can be much more difficult.
If you have been keeping up with our recent blog series, you may have started to recognize some of the ways that you feel in an unhealthy relationship and some techniques that may be present in an unhealthy relationship. Once you can recognize these dynamics, you can start to understand and accept that this relationship is not built on love, connection, and reciprocity. When someone is involved in this type of relationship, they will need to remove themselves from the control of the other person so they can be protected from further manipulation.
Let’s take a look at some techniques for putting distance between people in an unhealthy relationship:
Boundaries. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, putting up boundaries is essential to protect yourself from further harm. Boundaries can look different in different relationships but can include, “no contact”, not tolerating criticism or demeaning statements, not engaging with someone who is yelling, taking time for yourself, not discussing personal topics, not lending money, not allowing the other person to dictate who you can spend time with, or not tolerating pressure to do something that you don’t want to. Be prepared for the other person to disrespect the boundaries, push back, or complain that they are being victimized by the boundary. If this happens, stay true to your words and walk away or disengage from the conversation. You may have to re-evaluate and set firmer boundaries or stop contact completely.
Grayrock. If you must interact with a difficult person, pretend you are a boring gray rock. Remain calm, uninterested and uninteresting. Only respond with the fewest words possible. Do not respond emotionally, just walk away if you have to. Do not argue with them, level with them, or try to have them understand your perspective. If you are indifferent to their manipulation, they will not be able to control you. The other person will understand that they are losing control when you “grayrock” and may increase their manipulation tactics for a time before moving on.
Radical Acceptance. Radical acceptance means accepting how things are, and not how you wish them to be. It doesn’t mean “approval”, but it does mean letting go of control over the situation and seeing it for what it is. When you are in an unhealthy relationship, you may be unable to change it and you can not spend your life trying to please an unpleasable person. Radically accepting the relationship means giving love and compassion to yourself, and making choices that are in line with this self-love. When you remove yourself from an unhealthy relationship, you may feel grief, regret, and despair. Or, you may feel free, unburdened, and alive. Whatever you feel, you can see these feelings for what they are in a non-judgmental way and accept the relationship for what it was.
Get Professional Help. Depending on the nature of the relationship, it may be very difficult (or even dangerous) to remove yourself, which is why it is important to have professional support when disentangling from an unhealthy relationship. A professional can help you navigate these complicated feelings and situations in a way that will help you feel empowered and be able to meet the challenges of your life. Everyone deserves healthy relationships, and here at HQ Psych we are ready to speak with you to help you with this relationship dynamic. If you are feeling unsafe in your relationship and need help right away, the National Domestic Abuse hotline is available to you 24/7/365.
