Recognizing DARVO
DARVo is a common manipulation technique learn about what it is and how to recognize it
DARVO stands for “Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender” and it is a certain type of manipulation technique that shows up in unhealthy relationships when someone is unwilling to take responsibility for their poor actions, and unwilling to work to change in order to maintain a healthy relationship dynamic with someone who is important to them. A person will use the DARVO technique to confuse or attack the other person and ultimately continue their poor behavior.
When DARVO shows up, the person using the technique will deny that they ever did anything, attack the other person as if they are at fault, and then say that the reaction of the other person is what is causing harm to the person using DARVO. The person using DARVO will blame the victim for the conflict and then say that they themselves are the actual victim.
Here’s a breakdown of how DARVO works:
Deny
The person using DARVO denies the behavior or action they are being accused of. This could be denying that the poor behavior took place, or denying any wrongdoing at all. They may insist that the other person is imagining things, exaggerating, or misinterpreting the situation.
Example: If the person made a hurtful comment or acted inappropriately, they might say, "I never said that," or "You're just too sensitive."
Attack
After denying the behavior, they attack the other person. They may launch an offensive, becoming hostile, angry, or defensive. The attack typically targets the other person’s character, credibility, or sanity.
The goal of the attack is to discredit the other person, make them feel guilty, or paint them as the problem. This is often done by turning the other person’s concerns into an attack on the abuser.
Example: "You're so crazy, you're making things up!" or "You're just trying to make me look bad."
Reverse Victim and Offender
The final step is where the person using DARVO reverses the roles, claiming to be the victim and painting the actual victim as the offender. This step makes the DARVO user appear as though they are the one being wronged, instead of the person they have harmed.
The DARVO user may say something like, “I can’t believe how you’re treating me after all I’ve done for you!” or “You’re accusing me of something I didn’t do—how dare you!”
If you are recognizing this technique in a relationship of yours, it’s important to understand that this is not a healthy dynamic and it is causing you harm. This is not a relationship built on trust, understanding, mutual concern or compassion. Everyone deserves healthy relationships, and here at HQ Psych we are ready to speak with you to help you with this relationship dynamic. If you are feeling unsafe in your relationship and need help right away, the National Domestic Abuse hotline is available to you 24/7/365.
